"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how
to get along without them." - Frank Clark
I love this quote. I think it sums up so much about what parenting
is, and yet there it sits. Written in my best handwriting on the cover
of my planner staring up at me from the floor as I struggle to put my
six-and-a-half-year-old's shoe on her foot and quickly tie it before
running out the door in morning.
What am I thinking? She is almost
seven and can't tie her shoe. How could this have happened?
Easy...as mothers and fathers we become so accustomed to doing things
for our children we often have a hard time letting them struggle and
achieve on their own. We fall into the "it is easier for me"
mentality and constantly "do" for our children what they need to be
learning to "do" for themselves.
How much easier is it for us as
parents to tie a shoe, cut a piece of meat, make babysitting contacts
for our tween or pick up a job application for our teen.
I can tell
you as a middle school teacher nothing irritates me more than parents
that constantly talks for their student instead of letting the child
take the lead in figuring out a problem or as a manager it was never a
good sign when a mother or father would call to set up a job interview
for their child, after all, who was I going to hire the parent or the
child?
We desperately want to help our children succeed, and yet so
many times we have it backwards. Yes we need to support our children,
but we also need to be patient, take the time and TEACH them to do
things for themselves.
It may hurt a little to see our children need
us less and less as they grow, but isn't that the point. To give them
the tools to succeed on their own. Here are a few tips for those of
you (like me) who need a little reminding about raising a self reliant
child:
- Develop patterns for younger children in his/her daily life that do
not change.Knowing what comes next gives kids the security and
assurance they need to do things on their own. I always get dressed
right after breakfast.
- Create systems that encourage self-reliance.As a project with your
child make a chart, a list, a pictograph of the things he needs to do
before bed or before school, and hang it in a central place. Check
your list to make sure you are ready for school. It will become
his/her responsibility and not yours.
- Help your child succeed by allowing him/her to do things for
himself/herself.Buy small plastic reusable cups and keep them in place
your child can reach. This way your child can get a cup and fill it
with water for himself instead of always calling "Mom, I am thirsty"
Divide snacks into portion-size containers in a basket in the pantry
from which the child can choose for himself.
- Don't undermine your
child by telling him/her what to do.The idea is to encourage your
child to think for himself. He will learn from his mistakes.
- Allow your child to struggle. Don't rush in to offer assistance.
Stand back and let the child work it out on their own. This may take
extra time (and parental patience) so plan ahead. If you are working
on learning how to tie shoes, have your child start putting on her
shoes 5 minutes earlier than you normally would to make sure that you
are not in a time crunch and end up giving in and doing it for her.
Instead, support him in his efforts to solve his problems. Wow! You
are really working hard to figure that out. You amaze me!
